Word count:16034
and i am back oh man so conscious so much more conscious than before 30 days of solo meditation my 30 day solo retreat let me tell you how it went a lot of stuff has gone by man it feels like a year really has gone by rather than just a month and so much stuff happened so many amazing insights in fact 13 awakenings each one deeper than the previous one uh life transforming stuff it's hard to even remember it all because it feels like i'm going back to another lifetime just remembering all that and then coming back into ordinary life and then integrating it all which i've been doing over the last few days man it's uh this has been the most productive month of my entire life as far as my growth goes a lot of amazing insights truckloads of insights you know pages and pages of notes full of insights that i want to share with you and in this episode here i'm not going to be going into full depth on all my insights it's just not possible there's too many of them i'm going to be trying to just give you a summary a nutshell of what happened over the last month for me during the solo meditation retreat it's kind of weird to even be shooting videos because i'm i'm getting used to coming back to my old life my old unconscious life and it's just if everything feels a little bit different it's all the same but it also feels a little bit different because i'm different so uh what happened well it didn't quite go all according to plan i improvised a lot but the first 16 days of my retreat were pretty straight straight forward um like any meditation retreat basically would be i spent about 10 12 hours a day doing sits uh mindfulness with labeling technique do nothing technique self-inquiry so a combination of all those uh struggled a lot uh was frustrated a lot wasn't really getting the results that i wanted um extremely bored you haven't you haven't known these levels of boredom until you've done something like a 30-day solo retreat it's just like boredom so thick that it's like death it's like torture it's that bad um but of course all that is part of the whole process of spiritually purifying you so um so i did all that i didn't have any awakenings during that time and then i felt like i needed something more so i uh i turned to 5mao dmt and uh and and then what i did is i sort of resolved to finish the rest of my retreat by doing back to back 15 days i had like 14 15 days left of 5meo so i wanted to really really test it out uh no holds barred because in the past usually when i did psychedelics what i would do is i would i would place constraints on myself such as like well don't do it too often don't do it too much the most i did 5 meo um up until this retreat was like four or five times in a row which means daily so one per day for five days and that was during my last uh 30-day retreat uh last may and uh that was amazing i'd amaze a lot of amazing uh insights from that and a lot of growth from that but after the fifth day just it became too much so i wanted to really put five meal again to the test because i was trying to and i was hoping that i could use 5meo to sort of pioneer a new path towards awakening for people and to kind of experiment on myself and just see how far it can be pushed so that's what i did and so i did uh i didn't end up doing 15 days i didn't i did 13 days back to back five amio uh roughly in the 20 milligram range so these were moderate doses they weren't super high doses although for me i'm very sensitive to psychedelics for me they were pretty uh pretty substantial doses so what started happening immediately right off the bat because i was doing this after already 15 days of uh intense meditation and mindfulness practice is that my my trips became deeper than they've ever been these were not like any other previous trips i've taken and the most amazing thing started to happen was which was that every trip that i took produced a shocking profound level of consciousness superhuman levels of consciousness that i never imagined were possible before and i've done five amio you know dozens of times already over the last two years um but even even so i was blown away because the levels of absolute and totality and insight that i was getting was just unspeakable and unspeakable utterly shocking uh levels of of awakening and within a few days it got to the point where i was starting to feel like everything i thought i knew about awakening was was peanuts compared to how deep i was going now and i was starting to get the sense that all of the people that i learned about awakening from all of course all of my prior ideas all my prior concepts all my prior trips and also all the teachers that i follow various teachers dozens of dozens of teachers from different traditions from yogis to to western eastern you know hindu and and buddhist and all this christian sufi like that all of that was just like not at this level it just started to feel like i was hitting levels of consciousness that very very few human beings have ever hit and so some of the insights that i'll be sharing with you here today uh just keep in mind that they're coming from very advanced superhuman levels of consciousness which are utterly impossible to imagine they're completely beyond the mind completely beyond the self and completely beyond many of the things that you'll read about in spiritual texts and non-dual books um which is not to say i'm not trying to say that i reached some highest level of awakening that nobody has ever reached i'm not saying that i'm just saying that these levels of awareness i can just intuit and feel they're very rare and so one of the most important lessons that i learned from from these 13 awakenings of mine is that there is enormous levels of depth and degree to awakening and that any teacher or teaching that tries to oversimplify awakening and tries to portray it as a one-dimensional binary thing or even a thing that has three stages or five stages or ten stages to it uh hasn't really gone all the way because there's just so much there and it's not that the awakenings are different every time it's just that they have a different kind of flavor and a different level of totality and what's so amazing about it is that each one of the awakenings feels total absolutely total but then the next one feels even more total and the next one feels even more total so you see the problem here how do you know when you reach the end how do you know when you really exhausted the rabbit hole how do you know when you've really comprehended everything there is to comprehend about awakening it's it's very tricky because it's very easy to trick yourself into thinking that well the last thing that i had that was total and now i'm done and now we're good and now let's just kind of go live with life now i understand everything but you don't understand everything at least that's what i uh encountered in my experience so um probably the third awakening in um the most significant realization that i had was that i am god i am god and uh of course i'll be saying that a lot throughout this episode and it's very easy to to misunderstand this for those who haven't been doing this work very easy to misunderstand this is some kind of narcissism or egotism or megalomania not at all when i say i'm god i'm not giving myself any special privileged position because when i say i i simultaneously mean you so i am god you are god i am you you are me it's all one but to me i sort of have distilled the highest essence of what the teaching of awakening is of what non-duality is really about and it's not about discovering that there is no self although that's important and that's that's a big insight but it's about the realization that you are god full-blown god like full-blown no holds barred no qualifications you are the entire god not some part of god not some little figment of god but like full-on god and everything that the word god means you are that so i'm not using the word god in some sort of sneaky metaphorical poetic romantic manner like i literally mean your [ __ ] god and that's what awakening really is if you want to distill the essence of what awakening is it's the realization that you are god and of course uh i've told you that before in the past in fact recently i released a few episodes about what is god where we broke it down in a lot of depth i answered lots of questions uh i told you your god i said in the past that i'm god that i realize that i'm god and all of that is good and fine but it's it's how deeply do you grasp it how true is it really like do you understand it and feel it at a cellular level is is the question that's the real thing and i felt it before i've become conscious of it before in various experiences using psychedelics and not using psychedelics but not to this degree like i really became god and i really realized the full mechanism and structure and logic of god it's not that just you understand that you're god but you also then can discover what is god why is god why is it this way why is reality structured this way all of this i became conscious of throughout these 13 awakenings to the point where i became so conscious just sitting here right now that this present moment right now is eternal and that i'm sitting here and that i am god and i am willing the entire moment into being through my infinite power and my infinite intelligence and will such that my very hand and body and everything i literally became conscious of how i'm creating everything how i'm creating my hand using all of those attributes of god that we talked about in the what is what is god part one episode where i told you that god is infinitely intelligent it's omnipresent it's all powerful it's benevolent it's all loving it's eternal i told you all these attributes um and it's it's it's good to know all those theoretically and you can experience them individually but then to really like to really have your entire identity shift from being a human being who was born to a mother and a father and who has some kind of biological origins to go from that to understanding that that's not at all what's going on there that's not at all how it is and to really fully accept yourself as god that's profound that's life transforming um and um and to me any spiritual teaching any non-dual teaching that doesn't teach you directly and explicitly that you are god is not the highest teaching it's just that simple to me to me the highest teaching is composed of i have a list of notes here because there's way too much stuff to talk about to to to remember all this to me the highest teaching is that number one you are god number two is that god is infinite and number three is that god is nothingness those three parts comprise high as teaching as i understand it and then to explore all the facets and mechanics of god and to understand how god works and why it works the way it works that's the cream of the crop to me because i love understanding stuff and of course people will criticize me and say oh leo that's just ego you're just using your mind to uh to talk about god you can't understand god it's not possible there's no logic to god there's no reason to god there's no reason to under to why everything is things just are there's no reason there's no why you're wrong there is there is and that's what i've discovered and uh and some of the things i've discovered i haven't heard anybody talking about no spiritual teacher that i know of and i've studied dozens of them perhaps over a hundred of them has talked about in the way that i feel it needs to be talked about and i don't know if that's just because they're playing coy and because this stuff you know it's impossible to really explain it it falls on deaf ears so maybe they're just holding back i'm sure many are holding back a lot of the highest spiritual teachers do hold back a lot of stuff they don't spill everything but i think it's a shame that they hold it back and so i'm going to talk about it here with you um let's see before we get into that what else what else do i want to say so yeah these awakenings they kept getting deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper each one kept getting deeper and deeper deeper i actually i had a chart like a calendar where i was crossing off you know every day and i was waiting till the 30th day to complete this thing and so i was crossing them off and then when i started doing my my 5meo i started having these awakenings and i started to i would put an x through the day that i finished and then i would put a little circle if i did five meow that day and i had an awakening that day so there's a circle and then i i did a couple of those circles and then i started to to notice that i was drawing the circles bigger and bigger and bigger because to me the circles were representing the the size of the awakening so the circles they were small at first and then they got bigger and bigger and bigger until they were taking up the entire square the entire square of that day um until uh and then and then my awakenings got even deeper and more profound to the point where the circle was no longer appropriate so i was just taking the marker i was using a whiteboard and i was taking the marker and i was just filling the entire square of the day just solid black for total awakening and then even that was not total enough because my awakenings kept getting more total and more more deep and so then i started to actually have to go out of the box and i drew this kind of like solid black starburst that went outside the borders of the square of the box and then those kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until i didn't know how to depict it anymore that just gives you a little bit of an idea of how this sort of totality works it's very tricky because each one of them feels total but then there's there's more and there's different facets that you're experiencing as it's happening towards the very end the last three or so awakenings just got to just to such human levels superhuman levels of consciousness that like yeah i honestly don't know if any other human beings have had these levels of consciousness um i'm sure certain yogis have um but these are the kind of yogis that would be like sitting in a cave literally for 30 years doing non-stop yoga for 10 hours a day achieving these stays and then like you would never hear about them because they would never even go out in public they would die in that cave in those states you know they live their whole lives that way um so another thing that i realized uh very quickly into into this process with five meow is that there's there's no way there's no way i'm ever going to be able to meditate my way into these degrees of consciousness not even close and self-inquiry just like not even close there's no way i would have gotten to where i am right now and realize the things that i did through conventional uh traditional orthodox spiritual teachings and methods i'm talking mindfulness meditation i'm talking do nothing i'm talking about uh even korea yoga i'm like self-inquiry all of this is fine i'm sure that all these techniques are powerful for certain people and i'm sure that certain yogis and zen masters who practice these techniques for 10 hours a day for months and years um and who are also supernaturally spiritually gifted from the very beginning they're spiritually talented don't forget that that's important that they could access maybe some of these states through these techniques but they're like i'm just being totally honest um i would never have been able to do it so if i sat for the next three months meditating non-stop to the best of my abilities i would not have been able to to become conscious of the things that i became conscious of that's how powerful fiber meow dmt is it is i'm just stunned i'm just stunned at its power it's it's a power um it's just amazing it's just amazing and no other psychedelic um gives you this level of consciousness no other i like lsd mushrooms whatever else you're doing nndmt um no no not this level of clarity not this level of consciousness sure you can realize god on lsd and on mushrooms i've done that but not not like this not like what i'm going to be talking about not with such clarity not with such clarity so to me it's the ultimate tool to me five of you know tmt is just like there is there is no other teaching that's higher you could read hundreds of books the the buddha or christ himself could come back to life and personally teach you one-on-one instruct you for 10 hours a day be your personal guru live with you answer all of your questions for 10 years straight and it would not be as powerful of a teacher as a few troops of 5meo dmt done in the proper way and that's extremely important it's not enough that you just do some 500 dmt you got to do it in the proper way and i'll be talking in the future about what the proper way is because there's a lot that i learned about what the proper way is a lot of people do it improperly and that's why they don't get the things that i'll be talking about and also they just don't do it enough at this point in my life i've probably done uh 35 upwards of 40 trips and i'm not done i'm not anywhere near done there's way more there to learn so to me this is the ultimate tool for understanding reality if you want to understand reality at the existential metaphysical ontological level i don't know what better tool you could ask for i don't know what more what more could you want it's pure magic it's a pure magic pill now of course that doesn't mean it solves all your problems it doesn't mean it cures you of all your stuff um it's it's a lot of hard work and in fact of the 13 awakenings that i had on 5meo there were two really interesting ones which were psychological more than existential and metaphysical most of my insights and trips are metaphysical and what i mean by that is that for example i become conscious that i'm god i become conscious of the the mechanics of how god works i become conscious of infinite love or something like that these are all existential metaphysical insights um but you can also have very psychological trips the psychological trips are more about personally about you and your own stuff your own shadow your own neuroses you know the stuff that you might go to therapy for the stuff that's holding you back the stuff that you do personal development for that kind of stuff um the stuff that causes you a lot of suffering all your devil or selfishness all that stuff right so all that stuff um well it tends to be an obstacle for you realizing god so what started happening is that the first five or six trips that i did in awakenings that i had i was pure enough to have those and they were metaphysical ones and i was able to comprehend more and more of what god is and that i'm god but then it got to a point where i sort of i hid an end to how far i could go with my metaphysical understanding without addressing some of my psychological stuff and so i had i had two trips on that front and during those trips i i was made acutely aware of my own inadequacies which are preventing me from further realizing god and so those had to be dealt with right in the middle of the trip and in fact the entire trip was devoted just to showing me that and so the first one of those was i just became acutely aware of how much i lie and how inauthentic i am and how untruthful i am and so this was a trip all about learning about honesty and authenticity so i had to my ego had to surrender its its manipulations and lies and i just i became very acutely conscious of how much i've been lying my entire life just lies upon lies upon lies upon lies lies to myself lies to other people and it's not just i'm not just talking about black and white lies the way you might think usually when i say lie you think of something like well did you have sex with that person you say no i didn't but actually you did i mean obviously that's a lie but that's a very black and white obvious lie i'm talking about very subtle forms of lying that you do which feel and take the form more of like exaggeration um people pleasing uh just not being authentic holding yourself back kidding yourself various kinds of fantasies that you have various attachments that you have that you just aren't honest with yourself about various ways in which you scheme and manipulate the machinations that you that you architect as a devil so all of that all the ways in which you're kidding yourself all the sort of pleasant illusions that you cling to which need to be let go so i became acutely aware of that and i started to let go of all those um and that ultimately leads to the path of true authenticity to be truly authentic and to be truly honest is important if you really want to realize god and embody your realization because god is truth pure truth so for you to be able to embody pure truth you have to be truthful and honest and authentic and it became very obvious to me why i lie why anybody lies the only reason that you lie is because you're afraid fundamentally you're afraid of death but uh because all all fear boils down to fear of death basically but uh but also more practically you're afraid of all the consequences that telling the truth will have for you in your ability to survive in the world so that's why you learn to lie you learn to lie in school you learn to lie in your family you learn to lie in business you learn to lie in marketing and advertising you learn to lie with the opposite sex interacting with females and males in dating in relationships and sexuality you learn to lie in all these circumstances because your survival depends on it the ego depends upon falsehood and lying to survive and truth is a dangerous thing truth can get you killed but you see the problem is that god is truth so you've got this real kind of a clash between your survival needs and all the lying that has to happen for you to survive and all the fear that comes with needing to survive and then the surrender of all that um and the the letting go of all that so that you can become god because god has no fear and so because god has no fear it doesn't need to lie it's totally truthful so that was a very big insight that i had it wasn't just a theoretical insight it was like at the at a cellular level for me i was i was writhing around the floor for about an hour holding my head just cringing uh in agony at uh at becoming conscious of all all the lies that i do and why i do it and that was very cathartic and healing and as all that was happening you might say well that was a bad trip um it was immediately obvious to me why it was happening and that it needed to happen and i didn't really suffer through it per se i was in a sort of agony um but there wasn't really any suffering because i knew that this was just totally natural and totally needed to happen it was just a purifying process to to allow me to go to the next level and sure enough the next day i had my biggest awakening yet after that because i really sort of understood at a cellular level that i need to be very honest and authentic in ways that i that i hadn't been before in the way that i communicate with you in the way that i communicate with people all around me and just even with myself in my teachings in my thinking about the world about reality even in the way that i write in the way that i walk in the way that i talk just in every possible way um and and so once once i understood that then the next day i was able to have a really mind-blowing metaphysical trip again i met going back to the metaphysical trips where it wasn't personal at all but i just became so conscious that i'm god to the point where it was just like you uh i mean this is just metaphorical here but like i was so conscious that i'm god that you could have seen a halo around my head it was that level of consciousness like it was insane um i became so conscious that i'm god that i i pulled off i stripped off all my clothing completely naked and i was just sitting on the carpet completely naked looking at my body god looking at its own body for the first time for the first time god really looked at its own body and really understood how the entire body was created and why it was created and the infinite beauty and intelligence of this body and how it all works and that was just stunning absolutely stunning and then even after that i had further further awakenings so uh so that's that now let me uh talk a little bit about um about some of the deepest things that i understood about awakening in god um before i go into that though a couple of points of warning here so uh if you're doing yoga korea yoga or meditation or self-inquiry continue doing it all right so it might sound here like i'm [ __ ] on those techniques and i'm saying that they're pointless and bad that they won't get you here um no i'm just saying that for me personally for me personally i don't have that level of meditation ability to reach these levels of consciousness and uh and we're talking about uh very high levels of consciousness way beyond simple awakening right like so if you imagine regular awakening and there's like levels way beyond that um so uh i'm not saying you should never do meditation i still think they're important techniques especially for newbies and especially if you have no alternative because what are you gonna do i mean doing nothing not meditating not doing yoga and not maybe having access to five mio dmt as many of you don't i mean you're better off doing some form of practice than nothing so keep doing your practice don't get discouraged i'm just telling you that if you start to play around with five tmt you'll discover for yourself just how much more powerful it is than all those techniques the things i'll be telling you right now in a minute are levels of of total understanding of the universe i totally understand the universe um as arrogance that sounds that um even zen masters of 40 years of training i know zen masters who i've talked to with 40 years of experience who do not understand what i'm going to be telling you right now um which is not to say that they're not awake i think that they are legitimately awake there's just many degrees of awakening okay and many degrees of comprehension and understanding here so um this is not to [ __ ] on anybody's work or any teachings it's it's simply to tell you that um you know appreciate how much there is here how deep the rabbit hole can go and um and you know um very few human beings will ever reach this deep unassisted by 5mao dmt so just keep that in mind also keep in mind that you know i'm using god the word god and various other kinds of religious language here my my uh my teachings are going to be taking on more of a religious tone and uh for many newbies this is going to be off-putting and it's going to sound like i've i've gone batshit crazy or i've turned into some religious zealot or i've become some born-again christian or something no i've just become fully conscious that i'm god and and to say anything less would be false i don't want to play games with you i don't want to be coy with you i don't want to play the sort of zen master game where i'm i'm winking at you and i'm i'm giving you koans and [ __ ] riddles to think about no like let's just talk about it as it is i'm god your god you can become conscious of it it's not a belief so yeah there's going to be some religious language here um and you might wonder why that is well it's because when you really fully start to awaken to god it feels like a religious conversion where do you think that idea comes from it's not like you just realize oh yeah i'm god okay let's get let's get back to life as usual no no no no this is completely life transforming you've been you've been touched by god in a way that it just like it it touches you to the core um and it's like a religious conversion reality is divine it's divine and it's good it's absolute divinity and it's absolute goodness and you realize that and then you you want to align your life with that that's what awakening is really about it's not about becoming conscious of some no self or some some emptiness i mean yeah god is emptiness god is no self we'll be getting that minute but um but uh but no like you gotta you gotta really appreciate that your god you gotta really appreciate it so that it touches you it transforms you and then you'll understand all the religious language and it'll all make sense you'll understand the passion of the christ all this will start to make a whole lot of sense that it didn't make sense before so if you want to know how the entire universe works why everything exists what everything is so of course i've told you in the past that everything is absolutely infinity absolute infinity so reality is an absolute infinite singularity it's an infinite fractal right now as i'm sitting here i can focus my attention on the fact that i am god sitting inside of a fractal this fractal extends in all directions to infinity forever the fractal that i'm talking about is the form and you might say god is the formlessness within which the fractal is occurring so you can think of reality all of reality as an explosion frozen in time because it's eternal it exists eternally so right now as i'm sitting here i can become conscious that i am god looking through these eyes there's no eyes here really i am god looking at all of this being all of this it feels like i'm literally in heaven like god sitting up in his throne in heaven this is just a metaphor so don't take this too literally but it feels sort of like your god sitting up in heaven looking down upon your own creation but what you're looking down upon is not the earth or human beings what you're looking down upon is precisely what you're seeing right now this right here i'm sitting here i'm looking at a couch i'm looking at a lamp i'm looking at a chair i'm looking at a bookshelf i'm looking at a tripod or whatever i'm looking at whatever you're looking at right now that's your creation this is heaven you're here it's infinite this moment exists for infinity for eternity but you're not conscious of it right now so but that's the way it is um and so yeah so um so this body is your creation you see and this place that you're sitting in this room that you're sitting in is heaven this is what heaven looks like see you've always thought that heaven was some sort of uh airy fairy realm up in the clouds with golden gates and and st peter sitting up there in the with the pearly gates and all that um see you've imagined this fantasy of heaven but you don't realize that this right here is heaven this is literally what heaven looks like but you say leo this isn't heaven look at all the crap that goes on in this in this world look at all the murder and death and war and racism and hatred and mass shootings and all this how could you say that this is heaven see what you don't understand though about heaven is that for you to truly be in heaven it's not enough that you go to a physical location called heaven and then everything there is peachy and there's no murder and no evil that's a silly spirodamic stage blue orthodox conception of heaven that's not how heaven works you see the problem is is that your own mind gets in the way of you recognizing that you're in heaven so imagine the following scenario imagine that heaven was a physical place up in the clouds and imagine you died and you actually did go to heaven and you find yourself in heaven but imagine that you kept your current psychology as it is right now you know where you criticize everything where you judge where you [ __ ] where you moan where anything someone says offends you and hurts you and you get uh you know you're trying to survive and you're trying to get love and approval and sex and money and all this so imagine if you took that psychology which you presently have you took your ego mind into heaven into a physical heaven what would happen you would be in hell because heaven or hell is not a physical location it's your state of mind it's your ego so you see if we took an egotistical person and put them into a physical heaven you would think well they would be happy no they wouldn't they would start to judge and criticize everything you say no but leo but if everything was perfect there'd be nothing to judge and criticize no no you don't understand everything is perfect everything is perfect right now everything has always been perfect there was never anything to judge or to criticize it was always you it was always your ego mind the whole time making all of it up so you are literally in heaven right now and you have been your entire life but because of your ego mind because of your survival needs because of your judgments and criticisms and your lack of awareness of the fact that you are in heaven you've placed yourself into hell you've constructed your own hell so imagine a scenario where a person is in physical heaven but they don't recognize it and people keep telling them hey dude you're in heaven you're in heaven what are you complaining about what are you crying what are you depressed about what are you anxious about and the person keeps saying what are you talking about this isn't heaven this is hell what could you do with such a person god himself could not convince this type of person that he's in heaven because the person would not believe it because the person is too busy criticizing and judging everything so he literally feels like he's in hell while he's in heaven the whole time that's the insanity of it that's the madness of it that's the tragedy of it see your mind is so powerful the ego mind is so powerful and this is the essence of what the devil is is that it is able to refuse heaven and is able to refuse god absolutely if you want to delude yourself you can delude yourself despite all evidence despite all proof despite what anyone tells you if jesus himself came down from the clouds and told you that you're in heaven if you're a devil you wouldn't believe him because to you in your direct experience life feels like hell it feels like suffering all this anxiety and depression and worry and caring about how you look caring about your physical appearance struggling with your weight with your diet feeling aches and pains judging everything going on in the political world in the political sphere all of that is your ego all of that is the devil in you separating you from the heaven in which you literally are and have always been you see that's the tragedy of uh of our predicament as ego minds so uh keep that in mind [Laughter] it's not like that's gonna stop you from being a devil but keep that in mind so let's talk about why everything is the way that it is the first thing you need to understand all right i was talking about the fractal the infinite fractal so go to youtube type in in the search box type in fractal zoom or mandelbrot fractal zoom you'll find there's a bunch of those videos and just watch it watch the fractal unfolding it zooms into the fractal forever just going in and in and in um so it's like that every single object that you look at take your finger and point at any object or even just look at your finger it's infinite it's an infinite fractal so you can zoom to this finger forever it's an infinite chain of structure and form and causation that goes in forever and ever there is no end to it forever forever so what god is is god is the emptiness that's sitting at the very center of this infinite fractal i remember i said it was like an explosion think of the entire universe um or all of reality as a as a frozen explosion frozen in time in frozen animation it exists eternally as this giant explosion what this explosion is is is is a sort of a fractal of infinite causation such that like take any object right now in the room take your finger take look at a book look at a chair look at it lamp whatever take that object look at it like i'm looking at this finger and uh and what this is is this is just one infinitesimally tiny part of the entire fractal um and any part of the fractal is precisely smack dab in the middle of the fractal you see a fractal is a thing which doesn't have a beginning or an end that's what infinity means that's what totality means that's what god is it has no beginning it has no end and it exists outside of time for eternity eternity is what's conscious of this very moment right now it appears as though stuff is moving but of course it is moving but but the fact that it's moving doesn't change that it's always existing eternally in the same way that if you have a a real a film like a movie for a movie projector from one of those old-time movie projectors you know when you're watching the film on the theater screen it seems as though each frame is only showing displaying on the screen for a fraction of a second and it feels like it comes and it goes and then it's gone but if you look at the entire film as a totality the actual film reel every frame exists there all at once so the problem is that usually when you're interacting with reality your standard ordinary level of consciousness your your it's like you're you're watching frame by frame and so things seem to flow and things don't seem like they're eternal but when you get a high level of consciousness you can realize that no it's just it's like it all exists all at once sort of like you know think of your first the first memory you have or the first time that you were the memory you have of first grade your first day of school you remember that so you think well that time has long since gone right where did it go it died it disappeared no it exists right now every every moment of your life it all exists eternally like it's not happening right now but it all exists because it's just one infinite explosion it's like an infinite singularity of every of everything that has ever happened that's what reality is so yeah you can become acutely aware of this this this this fractal and so see what happens is that when you become aware of this infinite fractal you become aware that the very room you're sitting in right now is this infinite fractal and that it's infinitely far away from the edge there is no edge to reality to the universe you're always in the middle of it no matter where you are you could travel for a hundred billion light years to the edge of the universe and you think well now i'm at the edge no you're just as far from from the edge as you are sitting here on earth that's what infinity is in the same way that for example if we take see don't don't mistake infinity with numbers infinity has nothing really to do with numbers numbers are sort of one example of infinity but everything is infinity not just numbers that chair that lamp your body everything is infinite the universe um so so with numbers though like let's say we take the number zero you would think zero is at the center of infinity right infinite numbers is like from zero one two three four five trillions billions billions trillions and all the way to infinity right um and then you've got the negative numbers negative one negative two negative million negative billion negative trillion and so on to infinity so it seems like zero is right in the middle but what you realize is that the number 5 trillion 500 billion 8 million 21 that number any random number that you pick is smack dab in the middle of all the numbers the infinity of numbers you see so it is with your body with your house with your car and everything else so that's that's cool but that's still not the end of what i have to say we're really just getting started here the most uh the most important and uh probably profound thing that i became conscious of is why the formed fractal that is everything is precisely the way that it is and not some other way it's not arbitrary it's not random it's not just patterns it's not just evolution it's not just physical laws arbitrary physical laws that happen to lead to the universe being this way so to understand this you have to you have to penetrate the very heart of the godhead to realize the structure of the godhead of god itself and what that is is uh how do i explain this it's total lack of limitation see the problem is that we humans because we're so busy surviving because we're living in this supposedly physically limiting world we are always dealing with limitation such that we can't even fathom the notion of something that has no limits and i'm not just talking about physical limits as in like spatial dimensions i'm not just saying that the physical space of the universe is infinite that's not what i'm talking about i'm talking about imagine an object which is completely unconstrained by anything so this would be an object that exists prior to there even being physical laws or logical laws or anything at all it's completely unlimited unconstrained science and physics would tell us that you can't have such an object they're wrong because they're dealing with what's inside of the of the physical uh of the object that we're talking about rather than sort of like what's outside so you might imagine like what's outside the universe well what's outside of the universe is lack of limitation no laws whatsoever total lawlessness unlimited it's unlimited in other words god um but what you have to realize is that this unlimitedness is actually real it actually exists total lack of limitation there are some corollaries and consequences of this which most people don't fathom i don't think even many awoke people fathom this um this is something you have to become acutely conscious of so what i became conscious of is that yes it's unlimited but this unlimitedness is then all-powerful you see you don't understand you just you it's impossible to explain to you what unlimitedness really means the full consequences of it i mean you can get it as an idea but but the consequences of it you don't understand the consequences of it the consequences of unlimitedness is everything that's happening the consequence of unlimitedness is that if you have this unlimited object if it's truly unlimited it's all powerful it can do anything really try to understand what this what this means because this is utterly profound it can do anything which means it can be conscious which means it can be totally conscious totally self-aware so usually when you think of an object you think of a dumb thing like an atom a molecule a book a table something dumb but see we're imagining an unlimited object an unlimited object can be intelligent it can be sentient it can be conscious it can be alive not only can it be intelligent it can be infinitely intelligent so imagine an infinitely intelligent object it has no form so don't imagine a form just maybe a circle is good enough for your mind so uh imagine a sphere which is intelligent but not just intelligent like a human infinite intelligence think about what this really is allow your mind to really get traction with what i'm saying infinite intelligence you understand this infinite intelligence that means intelligence without limit intelligence without limit without form you might think well the intelligence has to happen in some kind of brain no no we're talking about infinite intelligence which means that infinite intelligence means that you're so intelligent if you just imagine anything you can instantly will it into existence that's what infinite intelligence means and that's also what infinite power means all powerful imagine an object that's all powerful that means it can create anything with no limitations whatsoever it's so unlimited that it can also create itself see that's what unlimited means there are no limits there's nothing it can't do nothing is impossible for it so i'm describing god here i'm also describing you as god i'm describing your ultimate nature and how you came into being so this object is all-powerful infinitely intelligent and it has a will see normally when you think of an object an object to you like a table it doesn't have a will but if this object that we're talking about is unlimited and has no limits and nothing is impossible to it it acquires a will not only that but it has infinite will which means that it can will matter into being literally it can materialize a table out of thin air through sheer intellect and willpower that's what you can do if you understand what unlimited means if you're truly unlimited there are no limits there's no way that you have to be so think about this if there's no way that you have to be you can be any way you want if you were all powerful and all intelligent and you had an infinite will and you could be any way that you want how would you be if you were god and you could create anything what would you create think about that you would create the best most beautiful most intelligent creation possible you would use your infinite intellect to run through every permutation every possibility of how you could structure reality and you would structure it in the best possible way for the entire whole for everybody not just for one organism and not for your own self but for everybody and that is what this is right here that's what reality is it's infinitely good reality is the incarnation of infinite goodness and infinite love and infinite beauty and the only way that that could be created is through total selflessness you'd have to be totally selfless to do it and that's what i created that's what i created that's what you created it's pure love it's pure love it's pure intelligence it's pure goodness goodness without an opposite but the ego mind can't understand any of this because you're thinking to yourself leo what are you crazy good what are you talking about good what about the mass shooting that happened the other week what about what about terrorists what about murders what about rapists and tyrants and drug dealers and war mongers and all this is that good yes it is you don't understand you don't understand you're judging it from position of selfishness you see you believe yourself as a self you have survival needs the survival needs blind you you have a stake you have an investment in life which blinds you from being able to see it totally objectively absolutely you can't see the absolute good because there are certain things you need to stay alive you've internalized those needs so deeply that you see things as evil or bad or wrong or imperfect or flawed because you have very real needs to keep existing but god doesn't have those needs moreover you're judging the design and it is designed this is an infinite design there is not a single random or arbitrary thing in the entire universe every hair on your arm every particle of dust on every planet around every star within the billions of galaxies which exist within this universe all of it has been designed meticulously precision engineered to work together as a seamless totality for the greatest good of all see you say well leo but some some mass shooting that happened last week you know that wasn't good if god was all loving and so good and so intelligent he would have designed it so there couldn't be a mass shooting last week you're evaluating from such a narrow myopic perspective see from such a narrow perspective you're not thinking about how everything interconnects with everything else infinite interconnection because your intellect as a human is limited i'm talking about an infinite intellect think of it like a chess game an infinite chess game with an infinite number of squares and pieces a human can only think so many moves ahead so you and your myopia and egotism you look at a mass shooting shooting on television and you think well that's pretty bad that's clearly evidence of the imperfection of the universe clearly evidence that that there is no god and so forth and that uh you know a good god wouldn't allow such a thing um but what you don't understand is that it's necessary for the greater good such that what i'm telling you is that if you got rid if god got rid of the possibility of mass shootings what i'm telling you is that would result in a worsening of the creation as unbelievable as that sounds from your perspective as an ego what i'm saying is true if you take any part of reality and you say well what if we change it what if we change god's design such that there were no mosquitoes or there were no asteroids or there were no murderers or there were no psychopaths or there were no drug dealers or there were no hitler's and stalin's you would think well yeah that would that would improve the design it would be better and then when i ask you well why isn't it that way you would say well because i don't know leo because the universe is just kind of random and you know who says that it has to be good who says that it has to be perfectly designed you know it's just random atoms bouncing around you know we're lucky that we that we're even here we're lucky that the universe could even sustain life no we're not lucky we're not lucky everything was engineered but see but all that stuff that you said that would have made the universe better it actually would have made it worse you can't see it because you're not calculating the infinite chains of causation which cascade through the entire universe see every part of the universe is interconnected has to play with itself work with itself it's a design i want you to really spend some time after this video is over contemplating what is design if any of you out there are designers like graphic designers architects engineers web designers programmers software architects um and and so forth if you've ever designed anything you know how difficult design is it's difficult to design a good watch or a good car or a good website it's hard to design why is it hard to design because there are many elements which you need to make work together in a holistic fashion such that the entire thing does what you want it to do and it doesn't interfere with itself and it's got a certain elegance and beauty to it good designers know how to do that the designers at apple know how to do that which is why their designs are so popular if you're a designer you should appreciate how difficult it is to solve a finite design challenge as a designer have you ever sat there racking your mind over some design problem whether it's you're designing an airplane or you're designing a building or you're designing a web page and it's just like you can't like there's element you gotta like fit it in there but it's not fitting if you fit this in it breaks some other part of the design maybe if you're doing some code you experience this i'm sure i've experienced this many times as i've done design and so you start to appreciate as a designer uh good design when you see a well-designed building or a well-designed web page you're like oh look that's that's nice that's exceptional that's rare that's that's something that that took intellect to do that didn't happen by accident someone really experienced and really intelligent and thoughtful someone with an artistic eye sat down and did that then of course you see all the bad designs and you criticize all those and you say how how bad they are how terrible they are well that's because someone inexperienced an inexperienced designer with a lack of experience and intelligence design that thing but now try to fathom the the design challenge that god has you as a software engineer web designer you're dealing with a very finite design challenge that has maybe twenty thirty a hundred a thousand moving parts how do you design something that's infinite for example a butterfly that's flying somewhere on the earth right now is being affected by the gravity of every rock on the entire earth by the sun because the sun heats the atmosphere of the entire planet every molecule in the atmosphere trillions upon trillions of trillions of trillions of oxygen nitrogen hydrogen oxygen and and so on molecules in the atmosphere being heated by the sun creating pressure and temperature differences across the globe which results in wind and air currents the butterfly to survive needs to navigate this wind and these air currents the butterfly is itself made up of billions of cells all alive each cell an individual organism onto itself controlling itself fighting for its own survival regulating itself if you study molecular biology you understand the complexity of things like the krebs cycle or the way that the biological cells convert and process atp energy and the way plants do photosynthesis how complex and delicate it all is so there are billions of cells within that butterfly working to live individually but also then working collectively together in order to move that butterfly have it flap its wings in the right way in the right manner the butterflies wings are designed in such a manner that they work against the air currents they also work against the gravity of every rock on the entire planet which is pulling on that butterfly every human being on the entire planet exerts a gravitational force that attracts that butterfly but not just that there are how many billions of butterflies on the earth probably trillions of butterflies on the earth all flapping their wings right now somewhere all of them exerting gravitational force on each other all of them also contributing to various wind currents that exist around the entire globe but it doesn't stop there there are 100 billion solar systems in the milky way galaxy there are 100 billion or more galaxies in our known universe there are trillions upon trillions of planets out there how many of them have butterflies or something like that all of those planets all of those stars all of those butterflies all of those rocks even it doesn't have butterflies let's just say it's it's a dead planet let's just say it has rocks and nothing else well each rock that exists on a planet on the opposite side of the universe is exerting gravitational force on every butterfly on the entire planet of earth that butterfly you could zoom into it because it's fractal it has no scale which means you can zoom into that butterfly forever and ever and ever and ever beyond atoms beyond quarks become subatomic particles beyond strings forever there's an infinite chain that one butterfly flapping in swings right now somewhere on this planet is like a universe onto itself in fact every single object is a universe onto itself which goes on to infinity infinite in all directions all of it working seamlessly perfectly together without a single bug or a single glitch all of it intelligible how do you design that that's not an accident that's a design how do you design that how do you take the chains of causation and every object in the universe has an infinite chain of causation so for example why am i wearing white today you might wonder well let's look at the causes because i bought a white shirt and white pants so i'm wearing white but why did i decide to put them on well because i felt like it because i did this 30 day solo retreat but why did i decide to do this solo retreat well because you know i got into meditation and enlightenment well how did i get into that well because i got into meditation originally because i got into pickup well how did i get into pickup well because um i wasn't that good with with women when i was younger didn't have a lot of experience well why did that happen well because i was i was shy in school and because i came here from a different country so i never really felt felt like i fit in never felt like i was quite an american okay well why did that happen well because i was born in the country well why did that happen well because i was there was a sperm and an egg in some man and some woman that that that was in a different country it was in russia okay well well why did that happen well because because the sperms and eggs of their parents were were in that location too well why did that happen well because other generations of humans were there well why did that happen well because of the collapse of the the the roman empire okay well why did that happen well there's hundreds of speculative historical causes of the collapse of the roman empire and so on and so on it goes back and back and back and back we can trace it all back all the way to the beginning of the big bang and that's why i'm wearing white today and you might think well it all stops at the big bang no it doesn't the big bang is just one tiny part of an infinite thing think of the big bang as a dust particle on some giant's nose that's all it is on and on forever and not just that that's just one dimension of the chain of causation which leads me to wear white today we could also analyze it in a different way we could say the reason i'm wearing white today is because well someone i'm this clothing is probably sewn together somewhere in like bangladesh or in china well somebody there sewed this clothing and i bought it online okay so why did uh why did somebody sew this clothing well because there was some businessman who had some entrepreneurial idea that we should we should sew this kind of shirt someone had to sit down and design it some shirt designer some tailor had to design this thing and then some some poor woman who works you know 15 hour shifts in bangladesh had to stitch it together in some sweatshop and then why did that happen well because she was poor and why did that happen well because of geopolitics and the historical develops the developments of bangladesh versus america when you know you can study history and all the causes there and you know uh and again that will you can trace that chain of causation all the way back to the big bang and before so what we have is that every object in the universe has an infinite chain of causation literally infinite infinite forever in all directions all of these chains of causation have to cascade and ripple through each other you know like for example the gravity of the earth affects the the material of the clothing that i'm wearing normally you don't think about any of this because none of this has anything to do with your ordinary life and yet at the same time it is all of life there could not be ordinary life without what i'm talking about here the thickness of your clothing is directly proportional to the gravity of the earth directly proportional to how far away the earth is from the sun directly proportional to how much radiation there is in the atmosphere depending on how much radiation there is in the atmosphere the clothing would have to be a different thickness different color the material out of which your clothing is made like if this is made of cotton that's a natural material plant material those plants have to live according to how far they are from the sun and and so forth so if if the gravity on the planet was different we were close we'd be closer to the sun temperature would be a little bit hotter let's say on the planet uh the cotton plant even if it existed uh let's assuming the change was very minor let's say we were only like two inches closer to the sun so you know cotton plants would still probably exist but they would be different maybe they'd be a little bit thicker or thinner i don't know um and so on and so forth all the way to the beginning of the big bang right so you see these chains of causation ripple through each other usually when science is analyzing something science analyzes only a few simple linear chains of causation like a causes b causes c very simple stuff something like you know eating bacon causes heart disease okay that's a simple chain of causation and even there it's not quite clear whether that's true or not but let's assume it is um but you know it's very simple chain of causation but but imagine the the chains of causation just running through your body alone in order to make your heart function to make your kidneys function your liver function and all that there are trillions of chains of causation just running so that you could flex your finger like this trillions of chains of causation are doing that every atom in the entire universe right now is involved with the causation chain of the flexing of my finger now of course as a scientist you'll say well leo but it's an insignificant quantity something like point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero one percent influence from some distant star that's true but it's still happening it's still happening you can't deny that as a scientist so the problem with science is is not per se that science is false it's extremely partial it's completely overlooking 99.999 of everything and it's especially overlooking the holistic design integration and how all of these chains of causation ripple through each other science is terrible at looking at that and when it does then you get chaos theory for example and chaos theory has some profound implications and it shows some of the limitations of science and it also talks about fractals which is why i'm calling it a fractal it is a fractal and so the point of all this is to get you to start to understand the significance of what this thing called reality is see you've been overlooking the significance of it so how could such a thing be designed only by an infinite all-powerful all-intelligent object something that's totally unlimited and it has solved this design challenge so the design of god is to make the best possible creation pure goodness and it has completely succeeded in this design in fact it wasn't a problem at all for god god solved the design challenge instantly because that's what unlimited power allows you to do see with unlimited power you can solve an unlimited design challenge with zero time and so here it is we're in it right now the only problem is that you can't see it and you can't see it because you're too selfish and because you're not conscious enough and because you haven't done enough five emilio dmt or meditated or done yoga or self-inquiry or whatever you want to do now some of you are wondering well leah but why would god be good why wouldn't god be evil shouldn't god be kind like neutral not care one way or another way isn't it more right to say leo that god is neutral because look at all the evil stuff happening so see god created some good stuff god created some bad stuff no you are wrong god did not create any bad stuff god only created good stuff that's the miracle of awakening is that you realize that you realize infinite goodness so in answer to your question the reason that god did not create any bad stuff think of it like this if you were all powerful all intelligent and totally selfless and you could will anything into being instantly if you were completely unlimited again what would you create would you create anything bad would you create anything evil no you wouldn't because as it turns out infinite intelligence is identical with infinite goodness the more intelligent you are the good the gooder you are to put it awkwardly the good the the better the gooder you are though let's put it as that because we're using that word good the good or you are such that if you had infinite intelligence and infinite selflessness you would be totally good there would be no reason for you to be bad the reason that you as a human are bad or in other words selfish the reason you're a devil is because you've separated yourself from the unlimited it's because you're limited you feel so limited and you're stuck in this game of survival where you need to take from others in order to live and you need to navigate survival and so for you you do bad or evil stuff you steal you lie you cheat you exploit you manipulate and others do it to you the reason all that happens is because you're afraid of death but see god can't be afraid of death because god is nothing god is immortal it's eternal it's forever so it has nothing to fear so think about it this way if you had nothing to fear whatsoever if you had no personal neuroses of any kind if you had absolutely nothing to lose if you were not attached to anything if you didn't cling to anything not to money not to sex not to your children not to your family not to anything if you were totally selfless and immortal and you could create anything what would you create only one thing ta-da you're in it you're in it you're in it it's infinitely good you would spend an eternity crafting a design where nothing was left a chance where every piece of an infinite design was perfectly aligned with every piece other piece of a design so that it forms one seamless totality with infinite perfection and infinite goodness and infinite love and infinite beauty not for the benefit of one human or even the human race not even for the benefit of life per se on the planet earth but for everything you've played an infinite chess game and you've looked an infinite number of moves ahead and you've calculated everything such that everything is there for the good of the all now locally you as an individual human see the problem is that your perspective is so myopic and limited that you don't have this cosmic absolute perspective you're not worried about the all goodness of things what you're worried about is you're worried about what's good for you and that's why you can't see the absolute goodness and beauty and intelligence of the universe is because you're judging it for what's good for you so for example if someone runs over your dog tomorrow you're going to say oh god damn you god how did you create this bad universe but you see what you don't appreciate is that it had to be that way it was done for the greater good it's just that you're only looking three moves ahead whereas god is looking an infinite number of rooms ahead so the reason that that person ran over your dog is maybe because they were they were drunk driving drunk and you would say ah but but a good god would never allow drunk drivers but you see to do that god would have to get rid of for example alcohol and you would say well what's wrong with that yeah alcohol is bad get rid of alcohol a good god would never permit alcohol ah but you see if if there was no alcohol you wouldn't have been born how were you conceived because your parents met at a party where they were drinking and the only reason that your father mustered up the courage to talk to your mother is because he was half drunk and the only reason she uh accepted having sex with him that night after the party is because she was half drunk and then by accident you were conceived and so here you are you see so the problem is that you as a little myopic human you're so selfish but you start to try to like micromanage and try to try to change reality try to change the infinite design of god but every time you try to change it you actually make it worse which is not to say that all humans are always making things worse certainly you can improve things as a human you can design better governments better cars and so forth but you have to be very careful about what you're designing and how you're designing it and especially don't be so arrogant as to think that you can redesign the very existential structure of the whole universe for the better don't get simplistic ideas that well if we got rid of alcohol then that would be a better universe and if we got rid of murders that would be better universe no it wouldn't it wouldn't you're wrong you're just wrong you're too myopic your vision is too small so literally if a thing is happening if it exists it is absolute good nothing bad or evil has ever happened in the world nor can it ever happen god only allows absolute good to happen that's what existence is it's absolute goodness do not make the mistake of thinking that infinity is some sort of soulless uh dumb brute force object like a bunch of numbers or some physics formula or just the set of all possibilities reality is not the set of all possibilities reality is the set of all of the best possibilities and there is only one such set it is the infinite set it is infinity infinity is identical to goodness is identical to love existence is literally synonymous with goodness such that if it's not good it can't exist you see it can't exist and now we come to the question of what is not existence what is non-existence well you see there's no such thing non-existence doesn't exist there is only existence existence has no opposite you might think well leo but what about uh a unicorn sitting on top of your head that doesn't exist no that exists as an idea in your mind a unicorn sitting on top of my head you've just confused that idea for something that's supposed to be seen up here another way to put it is that what exists is the absence of a unicorn sitting on top of my head right now that's what it is it exists so when the entire world of form disappears what exists just pure existence devoid of any content you might say well leo that's non-existence no it's existence devoid of any content see what existence is that which is the case that that which is true that which is true is that which is happening right now there is nothing but truth there is no such thing as falsehood you might say oh what about lying isn't lying falsehood again you're getting lost in concepts a lie has to exist a lie has to actually be truth it has to be being it has to be to be a lie the idea of non-existence itself exists as an idea in your mind there's no such thing as non-existence there's only ideas concepts fantasies of non-existence and therefore god is immortal because god is just existence and existence just exists forever without opposite the intelligence that you're using if you're a designer or an engineer or an architect to create your own creations is a tiny infinitesimally small sliver of god's infinite intelligence you're using that to design those things multiply that times infinity and that's how you were designed and you can in fact become directly conscious of how the will of god instantly manifests into for example your body i became conscious by looking at my hand how i as god am creating the hand instantly through no mechanism whatsoever by willing it into existence this infinite hand with his trillions of cells all working together perfectly in order to be able to do all the things that a hand does and of course this is just a tiny piece of the infinite hole and it's absolutely one all human beings are just the same god looking through the eyes of a different form einstein famously said that god does not play dice he was having a debate with niels bohr about quantum mechanics and niels bohr was trying to say that quantum mechanics is random random virtual particles and all that stuff there ain't nothing random about quantum mechanics einstein was right god does not play dice but of course that was just an intuition that einstein had einstein didn't actually become directly conscious of as far as i know but i did so um what i'm here to tell you is that if you're a philosophically minded fellow like myself and you like to question the universe and why everything exists and why it is the way it is and how everything works if you're really curious then follow that curiosity ultimately after decades and decades of pulling your hair out maybe growing a beard maybe taking some fiber neo dmt a couple dozen of enlightenment experiences you can become fully conscious of why it's all here you're it you did it you can become conscious of it all you can [Music] you can you can figure it all out of course way beyond the mind i'm not talking about logic or reason here or any just simple verbal or even reading books or studying on top saying way beyond that we're talking about reaching trans human realms of awareness but you can figure it out i believe it was also einstein who said that i'm just paraphrasing here something along the lines of the most amazing thing about the universe is that it's comprehensible that's right and the reason is comprehensible is because it's designed by an infinite intellect of which the human intellect is a tiny splinter so everything you see around you is intelligible but your notion of intellect has to expand enormously i'm not talking about iq what i'm talking about intellect i'm not talking about traditional first order logic or reason i'm not even talking about human cognition per se and i'm not talking about just linguistic um propositions um i'm talking about a pure intelligence pure pure intelligence what you haven't considered before is that pure intelligence is possible see you thought intelligence was some byproduct of some neurons and some brain that's not what intelligence is consciousness is infinitely intelligent see because it's unlimited and it's also all-powerful this is the mind of god and it always has been you just were not aware of it you weren't awake to it god is total awakeness god is also nothing so at the same time it might be sounding like i'm talking about stuff that has happened all this just exists and it's all real at the same time all of it is absolutely nothing because infinity and zero and nothingness are identical somethingness and nothingness can't be distinguished but they also can when you don't distinguish them it's nothing when you do distinguish them it's everything it's like looking at a glass you could see it as half empty or half full both are true simultaneously depending on how you look at it so yeah a total metaphysical understanding is possible but it's very deep don't expect to get there without really purifying yourself and really putting your heart and soul into it putting your whole life into it another insight i had which was very profound was that love and truth are absolutely identical truth is everything that's happening right now and love is absolutely synonymous with that but how do you explain that to a person you gotta take some psychedelics or do some yoga to really experience that for yourself love truth being consciousness these are all synonymous unidentical it's all way too good to be true is the problem see this is the kind of stuff you can't believe um this is what i was why i was telling you from the very beginning with actualized.org i was telling you that um that you're not going to understand how good all this is and you're not going to you're not going to get there unless you're radically open-minded i keep telling you to be open-minded stay open-minded keep digging keep going down the rabbit hole don't stop prematurely it only gets better and better in the end you discover that it's infinitely good and then you die to this goodness and then what's left for you to do is to to be an embodiment an example of goodness to the world to transform your life to align with that so in conclusion that's what is left for me to do now don't get the wrong idea i'm not claiming that i'm the most enlightened person ever i'm not claiming any special privilege um i'm not saying that i access things that you can't access or anybody else can't access i'm just saying that i've accessed some rare stuff that few people have accessed because it's practically quite difficult to do and i'm quite fortunate that i was able to access it i'm not even saying that i'm woke or enlightened i don't consider myself actually awake yet i still consider myself as having a lot of work to do to reach full awakening and liberation i have become conscious of these various things and these things have transformed me in certain ways but at the same time as i am god sitting here before you i'm also just a petty human with petty needs and desires playing a game of survival within this dream i still like certain bad food i still have bad habits there's a lot of stuff that i need to work on i still have fears and anxieties i still get sad sometimes i get depressed sometimes all those ordinary human things still happen i still have to worry about money i still have to pay my bills i still have to do my taxes speaking of which april 15th is coming up um so you know so all this is still at play that's the that's sort of the the jarring uh feature of this work is that at the same time you reach these incredible highs where nothing matters and then you drop back down to ordinary life where where the littlest things can annoy you you know some traffic jam can annoy you and it might seem like it's a contradiction but it's really not because you're simultaneously god and you're simultaneously a human chimp animal and you want to eat and [ __ ] and [ __ ] so don't go holding me to some kind of uh ungodly standard uh i will disappoint you for sure i have a lot of work left to do um like i said i don't even consider myself awake yet i have a lot of work to do just to awaken and even after that there will be a lot of work to do on removing various kinds of shadow issues neuroses and problems and and and then you know finally reaching liberation you have to make a distinction between awakening having an awakening experience which is relatively easy still hard for most people but relatively easy compared to liberation like total liberation to be in this constant state of god consciousness that's really what i'm saving the word awakening for um i've experienced it as as temporary peaks but not as a stable lasting full god consciousness so i still have ego still have a sense of self it still bugs me i still suffer all right so all that is there uh so i still got a ton of work to do on that um and that's what i'll be working on as far as these five meo experiences yes they're peaks they're awesome peaks and you drop you drop out of the peak returning to ordinary life but at the same time you've also been transformed which is not unlike many awakening experiences that you have while meditating or doing yoga or self-inquiry don't expect to have one awakening experience then now you're in god mode all the [ __ ] time that's extremely rare you have to really work towards that so i'm more passionate and excited about doing the work than ever as i've been integrating a lot doing a lot of integration of all these insights i've uh i've been feeling and sort of trying to let almost let my mind and my body get possessed by god it's almost like you're getting possessed possessed and purified and that's that's one of the core techniques that i'll be using going forward is one of the most important things i think for being on the spiritual path is you got to make it organic and natural it can't be this forced thing where you force yourself to sit down and do these strong determination sits where you're in pain all the time and all this this this can work for so for a while but this is not real spirituality real spirituality is like when you're fully surrendered and no matter what you're doing whether you're driving a car or taking a [ __ ] or you're on the phone or whatever you're you're possessed by god of course that means you have to hollow yourself out so that there's room for the divinity within you the infinite goodness and love and beauty and consciousness to to to take hold and that takes time that's not going to happen in in a day in a week and a month or even in a year so i've begun that process a lot of my process is going to be about just surrendering just literally you're sitting and you're surrendering to god and you're putting your full heart into it so one thing that i noticed that i've changed is that my heart is a lot more into the work now than before before it was kind of a grind i kind of had to do it then i kind of once it was done the timer rang i go run off and do something else that i enjoy more but now it's like it's becoming a way of life and it has to be that way it has to be fully organic fully organic fully authentic so that's what i'm working on i'm working on being more authentic hopefully you feel that now i've definitely been transformed um but there's a lot of work left to do and a lot of stuff that i want to share with you in the future going forward a lot of insights a lot of profound videos to to talk about um really my whole understanding of awakening has been transformed it's way deeper and more profound and more religious than i ever anticipated it to be so i'm dealing with that um some of my teachings will be tweaked upgraded really um it's not per se that the things i've told you in the past were false uh it's it's mo it's more that um my teacher's gonna become more direct more pure more powerful more authentic um less ego games and other stuff that i was playing um you know i'm i'm fully aware that when i'm shooting videos you know i'm playing ego games it's very easy to get lost in concepts so i'm fully aware of this i have been for years it's but the problem is that you know changing it is the hard part it's it's easy to be aware of it um changing into the hard part so i'm working on that that'll be a multi-year long process i'm changing how i do work i'm changing how i relate to people like a lot of stuff in my life is changing it's very exciting also kind of scary at the same time i'm not quite sure where things are going to go how things are going to unfold a lot of my plans for the future just have to be kind of thrown out the window and just let things unfold more organically and that's what i'm doing so in the future what's going to happen is that there's going to be more weekly videos some very profound stuff so stick around for those also what i'll be doing is i'll be publishing um notes of the best insights from my uh for my last 30-day retreat i'll be posting those um on my blog it'll be in some kind of word document form you can just go click on it click on the link download it and read it it'll be quite a few pages maybe 5 or 10 pages worth it'll be a lot of stuff that i said here but maybe in more detail other stuff i didn't have time to say um so if you're really kind of nerdy and you really really want to get into my insights you can you can go check that out otherwise there will be many videos that i'll be creating based on various important lessons that i learned here that going deeper in the stuff that i did talk about already so there will be some reiteration of the stuff that i said here but also other stuff that just i didn't have time to talk about and also don't worry um there will still be a lot of practical material so i won't just be talking about god all the time it's going to be practical stuff a lot of specific and technical topics that we need we need to cover and there's still a lot of stuff that i'm still exploring that i still don't know so even though i say that i have a total understanding of of the universe what what i mean by that is not that i understand everything in full detail what i mean by that is i have a a very solid understanding of the structure of reality in this totality and why it is the way that it is i've become conscious of that and i'm always open to more you know i'm open to more insights more awakenings more so i'm not i'm not stopping here i'm not resting on my laurels yeah it's going to be interesting to see where things where things go from here i'm going to work on embodying the things that i speak more so that my teachings are not so much just verbal and technical and analytical as they have been but more uh embodied through my body language through my tone through my emotions through my personal example but at the same time there will still be plenty of analysis and plenty of technical details and examples as before so it's a natural natural upgrade a natural evolution so like i said in the video i did just before this where i talked about leaving on the 30 day retreat i said that i wanted to open a new chapter in my life and so that's what has happened i've opened a new chapter i also um i'm sort of starting to close the old chapter of business and success and now it's going to this this new chapter that's being opened up is the the chapter of of becoming god not fully god yet but working towards working towards total awakening and liberation i anticipate that this chapter will take some number of years maybe three or five years at which point i hope to achieve total liberation and full god consciousness and at that point everything will be transformed at that point yeah i don't know i don't know what comes after that after that point i guess i'll just be like roaming the streets that's a raving uh it's a raving madman yogi um preaching god to people or something like that um we'll see we'll see what happens it's hard to say um but uh that's it for now hope you enjoyed and i hope you're inspired to seek a piece of this for yourself you